Relapse and the spiritual surgery

Sometimes we feel sick. Not physically sick, but emotionally. Everyone around us tries to diagnose our disease, but they'll never do, and never will. We're the only ones who are capable of diagnosing ourselves. We know ourselves and we know our points of weakness. It's when your heart is so drawn to the wrong things that it can't bare to handle it anymore, it's when you become numb and you can't express anything but rely on the fact that Allah already knows what's deep within you, He knows how you feel. He knows you're hurt. Heartbreaks do not revolve around relationships only but around everything that you get too attached to, everything that goes against your nature that should be drawn only to Him. The disease is vicious and the surgery may be a little hard but the result is inevitably worthy. We all need a spiritual surgery, we all need to cut ourselves off from the barriers that are obstructing our way to Him. Imagine if someone has got a blocked artery in his heart, he'll need to do a surgery as soon as possible to continue his life peacefully. The surgery may hurt him a little bit but he'll get to live the rest of his life healthy. Relate this to the spiritual surgery, getting out from your heart something that you really loved and admired is hard but it's temporarily hard. When you recover afterwards you'll get to notice how worthy was this surgery and how free you'll feel after it, cause all your love and admiration will only be dedicated to Allah. Don't hesitate of taking the step of doing this surgery cause you'll never regret the results. May Allah guide us all to the right path.

Lost

When feelings are so messed up that you can't put them into words, when thousand lines are not enough to express how you feel and when the only thing that's getting you through starts to slip away..

I've been so far away from you, had million barriers to reach the destination, your path. Mocked and underestimated for my beliefs, yet that doesn't matter cause your mercy still reaches me. Sinned like animals as if I had no brain, and yet you still waiting for me to knock on your door. Sent me a lot of signs and I did nothing but ignorance, dunya casts it's spell on me and it took me away again. I tasted the sweetness of iman once, and I craved for more and knew I had to sacrifice some things in order to taste it again, had to give up on my desires and haram needs, even the silly ones.

Every time I thought of death I smiled and teared, smiled cause I'll get to see Your beautiful face and teared cause my deeds won't make You proud..

Got attached to things that took Your place in my heart and it hurt me cause it was against my nature that You created, my nature that should only be attached to You. I sought help and You were my sole purpose so please let me get closer to You, let me taste the sweetness of iman again and grant me soberness.

I'm sorry my lord for all the shortcomings, and am sorry for opening my heart to other than You

I'm sorry for every broken promise and am sorry for upsetting you

I'm sorry for taking your signs for granted 

I'm sorry for neglecting your Quran

I'm sorry for not being worthy of your sweet treatment

I'm sorry for my shameless past 

I'm sorry, and I know it's useless until I put it into actions, but I promise you this time I'll do my best to make you proud.

Again, I'm sorry.

Anger and the earthquack

How many of us are angry for some reasons? Whatever those reasons are you're just angry. Maybe angry form the people who are not humans anymore or maybe just angry from always keeping the anger inside you. Always feeling that you need to shout it out and keep shouting and shouting all your unspoken words and the things you've kept inside, but when you remember the consequences of that you decide to remain calm and steady and actually that's the most peaceful choice. Angry form your studies, angry form your friends, angry from your country, angry from the grocery seller who took one extra pound by force, and even angry from your own family. When you decide to express your anger somehow it just doesn't fit cause it's so much. If our anger was an electricity it could've conducted a whole country and we'll export the rest of it to other needy countries. What am trying to say is if we tried to use our anger in something positive even if it's running we'll be the winners, cause I bet you expressing the amount of anger inside us will only cause our throats getting hurt or losing people and some respect due to the empty words expressed by that anger. Let's just try to substitute our anger with something beneficial and we'd be the winners of that inner battle.

Love or Hawa?

Allah says: "And among his signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between you; verily, in that are signs for people who reflect" (Quran, 30:21). So now, love is not haram but the way we deal with it is what makes it halal or haram, who put the love in our hearts and made it a part of our being? Allah. So usually when someone puts something somewhere He knows what's the function is and he gives us a guide on how to use it, that guide is Quran and Sunnah. There is something that a lot of people mistake it as love but it's not love, it's 'hawa' it's getting to the extent that we become slaves for our nafs, lusts and desires, it's giving up on your dignity, humanity, personality, family, work and sometimes Allah himself for that desire that's hidden under the name of 'love'. Allah says: "But if they answer you not, then know that they only follow their own lusts (hawa) and who is more astray than the one who follows his own lusts without guidance from Alah" (Quran 28:50). Allah mentioned those people in His book, the people who don't fight their nafs and who become slaves for it. Hawa is not a pleasure at all it's a prison, a never ending cycle that's the only exit from it is getting back to Allah. Islam is meant to preserve our hearts, bodies and minds and save it from pain and that's why premarital relationships is haram, because it distracts us from our goal, it distracts us from Allah. Ask yourself this question and answer it honestly: "Does getting closer to this person that I 'love' bring me closer to or farther from Allah?" more accurately "Has this person replaced Allah in my heart?" I believe that the majority of the answers is "Yes, it did get me farther from Allah and replaced Him" that's not love because true love allows you to be at peace with yourself and with Allah, love is not about fireworks in the sky and butterflies in your stomach, love is about giving peace and tranquility to one another. It's either we're slaves for Allah or slaves for our hawa and nafs, it cannot be both, so please be cautious.  When Allah tests us He doesn't test us with hardships only, He also tests us with ease with 'blessings' and with the things we love, to see how we're going to deal with it, and unfortunately in these tests that so many of us fail, because we take that gift as our God, that gift becomes our fear, hope, happiness, sadness, love and pain, and we forget the Giver, we forget Allah. As He said: "Yet there are men who take (for worship) others beside Allah as equal (with Allah) they love them as they should love Allah, but those of faith are overflowing in their love for Allah" (Quran 2:165). We need to be from those He mentioned "but those of faith are overflowing in their love for Allah" that love is going to lead us to everything thing we want, that love is the best love and that love is the most blessed love through all kinds of love. So let's fall in love with the real thing, let's fall in love with Allah.

Temporary coma

Everything was getting worse, people/family/friends/country and this world became more of a forest where everyone is seeking his own aim even if that aim will make them use other people as a tool, just a tool. No humanity. Selfishness, greed & hypocrisy was the only characteristics that can describe people at that time. Injustice was everywhere and people were living just to oppress others as if that's the new way of complementing them, women were abused by men and country was abused by frauds. Young people were killed, adults were killed and even the newly born babies were killed. What kind of humanity are you talking about? You tell me friends? I tell you bbm/fb/twitter and any other social network but other than that? Hahaha. And Trust became a foreign characteristic that you'll find at barely no one. "Compliment them when you see them and talk behind their back when they leave" was the new way of life and everyone was seeking the worldly life. PAUSE.. -Your daughter got into a temporary coma, Dr. Said to mother. I got into a coma for almost 5 months and when I regained back my consciousness I found that everything was getting better and justice was taking place again, people's characteristics began to change to the best and bad things that was mentioned above became better, doesn't mean that that's a perfect life no! But it's way better than the forest, at least we can call it life. PAUSE.. -Wake up it's 3:30 and you're having an appointment with your friends, Mom said to me. So that was just a dream but close enough to reality because "verily with hardship comes ease (Quran 94:5)", so be optimistic everything is gonna be okay.

To infinity and beyond!

This tittle seems familiar right? buzz light year yeah.. emm *caughs* okay that's not the topic! "to infinity and beyond" what does this labels to? is this life infinite? no. relationships? no. happy/sad times? no. bla bla? no. Jannah? YES.
To infinity and beyond; to the infinite tranquility, to the infinite peace, to the infinite love and to the infinite perfect life we've been seeking in this life, in this passing enjoyment. Have you ever took a moment off this whole world to wonder about the perfection of Jannah? our true home we're returning to, have you ever pondered upon this ayah:

 اعددت لعبادى الصالحين ما لا عين رأت و لا اذن سمعت و لا خطر على قلب بشر

It must be something spectacular, something amazing created by the Majesty.. A masterpiece! let's get attached to this masterpiece and let's make it our goal, but Jannah is a very expensive prize for the striving believers, and we can't get it by wishing and just go like "awww jannah <3 may Allah bless us with it" without working hard to attain that perfect prize. Allah encompassed Jannah by forms of hardships, by hard times that we've to go through and succeed in it to get our A* (Jannah).

There's eight gates of Jannah, whoever was among the people who pray on time will be called from the gate of the prayer; and whoever was among the people who used to participate in jihad will be called from the gate of jihad; and whoever was among those who fast a lot will be called from the gate Al-Rayyaan; and whoever was among those who used to give charity will be called from the gate of charity. (Sahih Al-Bukhari) 

What about specifying a certain gate that you'd like to be called from? Al-Rayyaan for instance, so you start working on fasting a lot so on the day of judgment you'd be called from that gate.

Let's imagine that beloved day..

First of all we'd stand on the gates and it will be already open for us, Allah said in his beloved Quran:

و سيق الذين اتقوا ربهم الى إلى الجنه زمرا حتى إذا جاءوها و فتحت ابوابها و قال لهم خزنتها سلام عليكم طبتم فادخلوها خالدين

After we enter it we'll see there all our loved ones and we'd see the trees that it's trunk is made of gold as mentioned in this hadith: The messanger PBUH said: "There is not a tree in paradise, exept that it's trunk is made of gold" Imagine the beauty of it !

There's beautiful rivers there as mentioned in His book: 

مثل الجنه التى وعد المتقون فيها انهار من ماء غير آسن و انهار من لبن لم يتغير طعمه و انهار من خمر لذه للشاربين و انهار من 

عسل مصفى و لهم فيها كل الثمرات و مغفره من ربهم 

Besides you'll get to have whatever you want, for me I'd ask Allah to give me a chocolate river..

What about the gardens and the treas? Allah said: فيها من كل فاكه زوجان and He also said: فيها فاكه و نخل و رمان , try to imagine how beautiful is it!

We'd be sitting in the best atmosphere and no air conditioners! He said: متكئين فيها على الآرائك لا يرون فيها شمساً و لا زمهريرا  and also said: وجوه يومئذ ناعمه لسعيها راضيه فى جنه عاليه لا تسمع فيها لاغيه 

We'd be shaded under the best shades and no tents! as mentioned in the Quran:

إن المتقين فى ظلل و عيون و فواكه مما يشتهون كلوا و اشربوا هنيئا بما كنتم تعملون إنا كذلك نجزى المحسنين 

and also this:

إن اصحاب الجنه فى شغل فاكهون هم و ازواجهم فى ظلل على الأرائك متكئون لهم فيها فاكه و لهم ما يدعون
Isn't it worth it? imagine this everlasting perfection in comparison to this passing enjoyment, this donya is nothing! absolutely nothing. Our real home is not here, our real home is jannah, we're visitors in this donya.

Donya is not the end, it's the new beginning.

All of this beauty is for you, so seek Jannah and make Allah proud of you. 

Pain

What is pain? It's a feeling that we feel to tell us that there's something wrong going on, just like when we touch fire what happens? we feel that our hands is hurting us, so this feeling is like an alert that tells us that we need to remove our hand immediately. That's like the emotional pain that we feel, it's a bestow that Allah bestowed us with to warn us when something is going wrong.
Why do we feel pain? Allah called himself "Al-Kareem" He loves giving gifts to His servants but the majority of us rely on the gift not the giver, we get attached to this gift not the giver and this gift become all that we think about and what we seek for, whether it's wealth, status, love or whatever. We depend on things that won't last, things that are ephemeral so Allah takes this thing from us or something happens that make us feel that deep pain, just like the mother that calls her child for lunch and he still haven't come because he's too busy playing with the toy she bought him so the mother immediately takes the toy because she knows what's better for her child. That's what Allah does with us He take the gift when we become so dependent on it, but what's with Allah is never lost, I mean that as soon as we get back to Him He'll give us the same thing He has taken or something even better.
(It's like a glass vase that we place on the edge of a table, once broken, the pieces never quite fit again. However the problem wasn't with the vase, or even that the vases kept breaking. The problem is that we keep putting them on the edge of tables -Yasmine Mogahed) That's definitely what we do! 
How does the pain heals? We need to start focusing on the only one thing that's not ephemeral, we need to focus on Allah, know the matter of fact that one day we'll die and the gift we relied on will do absolutely nothing to us, read more about Allah (Quran) the healer of every pain and have good thoughts about Allah by accepting the fact that He does nothing to harm us, He does everything cause He loves us, A LOT!
So know what's better for you, know that you're a guest in this donya, know that Allah LOVES YOU and know that He made you read this cause He wants you better.

His justice

Ever looked at someone and thought of "they're so lucky! They got everything they want" that's a false statement that some of us say. Everyone on this planet has got a shortage in something, for instance; if that person got wealth he misses kids, if he got friends he don't have a strong bond in his family, if that poor person sleeping on the pavement got absolutely nothing at least he got the feeling of security that we miss while sitting in our homes and he eats from the garbage without going to the doctor suffering from poisoning in stomach, if she got beauty she misses character and on a side note, beauty fades by time.
Allah never distinguishes between his servants cause He loves him, He loves her, He loves me, He loves you. Allah never hates! He don't hate the disbelieves so do you think that He'll distinguish between all those beloved to Him?
Allah is known for his justice and mercy so have faith that you're not less than the others. Someone have what you don't and you have what someone else don't. There's no wrong in Allah's equations and calculations He knows that this is the best for you and that if you got that certain thing you want, it won't be good for you. He does what's right so trust Him and trust His plan. Have faith in Him, ask Him for what you want. Verily, He won't EVER let you down. Ever.

People

I came to realization that no matter what you do whether good or bad, people are gonna criticize it and some are gonna encourage it
You'll meet people and you'll be like "aww they're so kind" and you'll get to know by time that they're the most black-hearted
 You'll meet those Hi-Bye people where talking topics will be about asking you to get them a copy for a sheet
You'll meet some that will be really close to you and that'll just stop for no apparent reason.
You'll meet those that'll hurt you a lot and when you forgive them they hurt you over and over and over again, and when you change a little bit they'll put the blame on you cause you're the one that "changed" cause they think that their "sorry" is the magical solution. No! It's not. Proving "sorry" by actions maybe the solution but it loses it's meaning when you put it on repeat and keep repeating the same typical action again.
You'll meet people that'll get advantage of your love for them whether they're friends/spouses or family members
You'll meet those that'll come and go and those that'll go but still be there, in your heart.
And that last type is the most influential actually
Some of those close ones will know you're sad quiet very well but they'll just turn a blind eye to it and act like nothing really happened to avoid all the chiding they'll face if they said "sorry"
You'll keep making excuses for them but someday you'll get tired of it and you'll just give it up
 And in life you'll get the shocker from the close ones so don't wait for anything from them, and don't specialize people cause if they hurt you, you'll be the one to blame cause you let them that close enough from the first place.
At last those trustworthy will remain and fake unworthy ones will disappear from our lives after giving us memorable lessons.

My beloved, Allah.

Get on your knees and beg for mercy
say please forgive me Ya Almighty
I'm nothing without you Ya Allah
Still, I'm not performing my Salah
I'm infatuated by the worldly life's ephemeral days
I'm infatuated by the things that put my prayers on delays
I'm infatuated by this mannequin's clothes
That's the reason why I'm sad overdose
But your mercy is greater than any wound
That's what they taught me since the day I came out of the womb
You love me with my imperfections,
cause You're the world's amazing perfection
I'm Your servant and You're my lord
A perfect relation with a great reward
So maybe I'll go astray but to You I shall return again
Maybe I'll sin but to your mercy I'll never give in
Praying my life time would never be enough just to thank You about the sight's bless
So Thank You for always existing in my life that I never appreciated without You being in it.

The non-reasonable sad moments.

"I'm tired" "I don't what's wrong with me" "it's been a while since I was really happy" "I need someone who'll understand me" all these statements that we say, the sad times we go through 'for no reason' ,
It's not for no reason it's because we strayed from Allah, our creator, the one we recharge from Him our happiness, love and peace, we now strayed from Him
Just like the mobile you need to recharge it every once in a while so you can use it but if you didn't it'll be out of usage, the same thing goes for us but with our Creator you always need to recharge your soul with Quran, thekr, good deeds and most importantly prayers. What happens when you stop re-charging your soul? You'll feel so empty and lost inside and the non-reasonable sad times you pass through will repeat a lot
I'll take your place and ask .. What should we do to fill this emptiness and grief?
"إلا بذكر الله تطمئن القلوب"
thekr Allah will make you feel tranquil and satisfied inside, your five prayers is the way you connect with your Creator so if you cut this connection you'll feel this emptiness again, Quran is the medicine for every heart break and every sad moment you pass through at this time try listening to Quran instead of calling a friend, try it just once and you'll know that it's worth it.
Pay attention to the matter of fact that Dunya is temporary, Jannah is FOREVER so strive jannah and don't run after dunya cause it'll ran away from you and you'll keep chasing it but when you run after jannah and let that be your goal you'll find that dunya is running after you so you'll win both Dunya (but with Allah's satisfaction, avoiding Muhramat) and jannah .. Guess it's worth it!
Make duaa with whatever you want and believe that He listens, He feels, He LOVES you and He'll do what you want or better cause His love to us can't be explained in words, you gotta feel it to know it.
Learn about Him from Quran so your love for him will grow stronger when you know how much He loves you
And finally smile cause it's sunnah and a simple charity :').
Mercy and blessings be upon all of you.

Hardships

We all faced hardships in our lives, there are people that were smart enough to use these hardships to get closer to Allah and there was others that were always questioning why that happened or they try to solve it all on their own, when actually they won't succeed facing these hardships alone because when Allah tests you He wants to know your level of faith and how you're gonna act upon that test .. Are you going to be thankful and say Elhamdoulelah and always remember that "ان مع العسر يسرا"? or you're gonna lose your faith and start cursing your overall status!
You've to accept the fact that all of us will face hardships Allah mentioned this in his beloved Quran and He also mentioned this "وَبَشِّرِ الصَّابِرِينَ ، الَّذِينَ إِذَا أَصَابَتْهُم مُّصِيبَةٌ قَالُواْ إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعونَ"
Haven't you asked your self why when you need your friends/families/spouses the most they're not there! I mean when you face a hardship .. A big one!
It's because Allah wants you to go back to Him and only Him, so He closes every open door and leave just one door .. His door :') , so that He'll be the only one you turn to and ask for help.
Verily no one can help you except Him and make you get out of this hardship, you don't need your friends/families/spouses, cause they're just creation and if you think that the creation may help you more than the creator then you're wrong .. Very wrong, and you've to change your perspective and know that the key of every unsolved problem and every closed door is with Allah.
May Allah bless all of you.

Inspired by Yasmine Mogahed.